I went to run an errand at lunchtime a few days ago and had an interesting encounter. I was going to the local Habitat for Humanity ReStore to drop off some donations. It’s about a 10-minute drive.
About three blocks from my house, I noticed a brand new purple Subaru ahead of me stopped in a strange place. It was about two car lengths back from the crosswalk of a 4-way stop signal. The car wasn’t moving. They didn’t seem to have noticed the cars in front of them had driven on. As I approached from behind, they slowly moved up, barely creeping forward. Meanwhile, the drivers of the cross traffic at the 4-wayt stop seemed to be expecting the Subaru to drive through the intersection; everyone was hesitant about moving….and I could see the drivers looking at the Subaru, but it just kept creeping slowly forward, so the cross-traffic finally went through the interersection.
“Great,” I thought to myself, observing the scene “Here’s yet another distracted driver focused more on their phone than driving.” I was kind of in a hurry, so I was feeling a bit more impatient and annoyed than usual.
Finally, it seemed as if the driver of the Subaru woke up….they moved up to the crosswalk, and then made a right turn in the same direction I was heading. A moment later, I also turned right and noted there was now one car between me and the Subaru. As we drove the next few blocks, I noticed that the Subaru was driving erratically, showing the classic signs of a driver who was likely on their phone: driving a bit slow, then slowly creeping out of their lane, then suddenly correcting back into their lane and speeding up. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
<sigh….>
At this point, my patience was wearing thin. Drivers glued to their phones are a major pet peeve of mine. It’s a particularly sensitive issue for me, as a friend of mine lost their mother to a driver who was doing just that, so my tolerance for that kind of behavior is pretty darn low. And it’s always in the back of my mind that when we’re driving in our cars, we’re responsible for two tons of metal speeding down the roads. That’s not something to be taken lightly.
Four blocks later, we approached a major intersection and a red light. To my dismay, the Subaru stopped in the center lane, a good two car lengths behind the crosswalk. My curiosity, or perhaps my simmering frustration, demanded a closer look. I shifted into the right lane and slowly passed the vehicle. As I suspected, a middle-aged woman sat with her head bowed, intently tapping on her phone. Unbelievable. Noticing ample space ahead of her, and with the light still red, I made a snap decision. I pulled in front of the Subaru, put my car in park, unbuckled my seatbelt, and stepped out, walking deliberately towards my rear bumper.
At this point, something clicked in my head. I mean, I was pretty pissed off that this person had been driving down the road and not paying attention. But as annoyed as I was, the click was this: I really just wanted her to recognize that what she was doing was dangerous…and to stop doing it. And the click happened, and I thought about how to best get that message across to her.
At any rate, I walked to the back of my car and as I approached her car, I saw a confused “What’s going on?” look on her face. I halted my approach about twelve feet away, ensuring I didn’t appear threatening (I’m a big guy, after all) and I signaled a rolling motion with my finger to get her to roll her window down. She did.
I said to her, calmly but emphatically:
“Hi. look I don’t know if it’s your phone or something else distracting you, but you have been driving erratically and unsafely for the last mile or so. Please don’t do that. It’s just not safe!”
Then I turned and got back in my car. By this time, the light was green, so I buckled in, put the car in drive, and headed on my way.
Four blocks later, I approached another red light. In the rearview mirror, I saw the Subaru rapidly gaining on me. As I came to a stop, I watched in surprise as the woman exited her car and began walking towards my window. A wave of apprehension washed over me.
“Uh-oh,” I muttered to myself.
I rolled down my window, bracing for the unexpected. She stopped a few feet away, her expression earnest, her hands pressed together in a Namaste gesture.
“I just needed to tell you that you were right,” she began. “I was lost, and I was distracted… I should have been paying more attention to driving or just pulled over.” She paused, then continued, “And… I really wanted to thank you for handling it the way you did.”
I nodded to her and said, “You’re welcome. And thank YOU for saying that.”
She nodded at me, turned, and went back to her car. The light turned green, and I went on my way…with a slightly bewildered smile on my face.
<Well then….!>
Reflecting on the situation, I believe that inner shift, that ‘click,’ was partly a result of the training I took to become a Black Rock Ranger at Burning Man. for those unfamiliar, the Black Rock Rangers are a volunteer group at Burning Man who prioritize de-escalation and community support, rather than law enforcement. That moment of “Ranger Mindset” helped me suppress my worst “New Yorker” instincts (like maybe yelling “Hey! LADY!! Text OR Drive! CHOOSE ONE!!!”) and seek a more constructive approach. I was both surprised and gratified by her response. What could have been a negative encounter, I believe, left us both feeling reasonably positive about the interaction.
That ‘click’ was applying Ranger principles. My training stressed non-judgmental communication and facilitation over enforcement (not that I had any official authority in this situation). As I stepped out, I asked myself, ‘What would a Ranger do?’ The calm conversation, instead of confrontation, allowed her to acknowledge her mistake without defensiveness.
Now, here’s a little backstory before my Ranger friends start flicking me grief. The idea of joining the Rangers was first floated to me back in the mid-1990s, during the early days of Burning Man. I was deeply involved in running a communal kitchen for my village then, and my standard response was, ‘Sure, maybe next year…’ And for many years, in my role with the DMV Council, I’ve worked closely with the Rangers, which has only increased my respect for them. Fast forward to today: I’ve completed the Ranger training twice, but to be an official Black Rock Ranger, you must also successfully work an “Alpha Shift” at Burning Man, something I haven’t managed due to other obligations. So, for now, I’m not a Ranger, but I am more ‘Ranger-Adjacent.’ I’ll get there eventually, I promise. But even though I’m not officially a Ranger, it’s pretty clear that the training has already had a positive impact on how I handle things.
As I drove away, the sheer volume of road rage incidents flooding the news weighed on my mind. A quick search revealed over two dozen reports in the last 24 hours alone, ranging from minor disputes to devastating tragedies. It underscored the pervasive nature of these volatile interactions. I realized then that my initial surge of anger could have easily escalated into something far more negative, even dangerous. Instead, I consciously opted for ‘Road Calm’ – a deliberate choice to de-escalate and communicate with respect. While it wasn’t effortless, the experience reinforced the power of choosing calm over chaos on the road. It was a small act, perhaps, but a powerful reminder of how we can strive for more civil interactions. In these turbulent times, I believe we could all benefit from embracing a little more ‘Road Calm’ in our daily lives.
Thank you for what you did with that distracted driver.
I never went to burning man, when my work friends were going and encouraged me to go.
I volunteer in community emergency response, and realize de-escalation techniques are needed to be added to my toolbox.
I’m sure the Black Rock Rangers are a much needed group …and thank you for that, too.
Wow, I didn’t know you wrote these things. I’m a fan. So much to learn from you. I hope I’ve come a little way from being a natural born hot head.
I once worked for the feds in Civil Service as an Employee/Labor Relations Specialist. I handled adverse actions, grievances, EEO complaints. It became clear that many people didn’t know the rules they were accused of breaking. And if they did, the rule might have gone uninforced by their supervisor, only to be done so at the whim or convenience of management. People usually do what they consider right. Before getting on their case, I found I had to check if they were aware of the rule, if it was enforced, and if they thought they were behaving correctly. Even if they knew they were in the wrong, it’s cool to ask them how they might right the situation. I was once tasked with getting a bunch of drunken Hells Angels out of the Oregon Country Fair. Smiling, I went up to the leader, shared that the situation wasn’t cool, said Id like to help them out of the Fair, and invited him and his buds to dance with me out the main gate. Which they gleefully did. It was a hoot. So we walzed out the gate together to their bikes, and they left.
Confontation is only one choice out of many. More agreeable, more respectful solutions can happen. Wanting a positive outcome for both parties is desirable, so how can you make The Other into your partner to have that happen? Suggestions can be greatly more respectful and do-able than being pushy. Humility has a part to play, also. You don’t necessarily know what all is going on, what griefs, stressors or other problems are in play. You believe you know what you’re feeling, your needs, etc., but are you totally self-aware? Do you need to be right? Be listened to and respected? Be seen by others as effective in getting what you want to see take place? Need to blow off some steam from something else happening in your own life? What’s the highest priority of the situation? Usually safety for EVERYONE’s sake is. Caring about the safety of all helps to un-other the other person. Asking helps do that, too. Respecting another’s sense of agency helps as well. Asking those bikers if they’d care to dance was probably the key. Going with, not against was the way out of that potential problem. We parted on very good terms.
Difficulties are unique to the situation. Joking sometimes works. Sometimes you can’t do anything to alter things. Sometimes you need to confront. Other times the system just doesn’t work and nobody comes out satisfied with the results. But there’s a lot of territory between confrontation and working with The Other to make things better. I’m glad your training for The Burn helped you get through that situation. Yay for you!! Thanks for endorsing another way instead of anger and confrontation.